Section I -- The Number

The number is almost too on-the-nose.

In its annual proxy filing with the Securities and Exchange Commission, Starbucks Corporation disclosed that its chief executive officer, Brian Niccol, received $97,813,843 in total compensation for fiscal year 2024. The same filing disclosed that the company's median employee received $14,674.

The ratio is 6,666 to 1.

The Bureau wishes to be precise about what kind of number this is. It is not an estimate produced by a labour advocacy group. It is not a projection extrapolated from incomplete data. It is not a rhetorical device deployed by a political campaign. It is the number the company itself reported to the federal government as a matter of routine regulatory compliance. The company did the maths. The company filed the form. The number is 6,666.

The Bureau's satirical department has reviewed this figure and requested a leave of absence. Its services, the department noted, are no longer required.